Bullet Journal Imported from misszoot.com

Attacking The Krazee Head-On

Well…so the “Let’s vent to avoid more Eating Of The Feelings!” thing did NOT go well. I mean, it didn’t help that I got my first Kill Yo’self tweet, but in general my life is just stressful right now. And venting might have made it worse.

And can I tell you the WORST part of my life right now? It’s 3:43am, I woke up at 3am (naturally…because when I’m stressed I can’t sleep more than 5 hours at a time) and discovered that I FORGOT TO BUY MY COFFEE CREAMER. I have backup creamer, the little miniature cups, but it is NOT the same and I like my coffee a certain way and THIS WAY IS NOT IT. It is really hard to greet a day with a positive attitude (at 3am no less) when you can’t have your coffee the way you like it.

Part of my problem is – as my friend Michelle put it yesterday – I have “I’m suffering from ‘too much to do’ paralysis.” The second she said that I was like, “OH MY GOD. ME TOO.” I think that’s my problem. I mean, I’m so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done before Christmas, or hell – before the end of today – that I periodically found myself dazed, walking in circles, and eating straight from the jar of peanut butter.

So. I decided to take aggressive action towards my mood.

I’m going to try make use of my bullet journal and try to organize my To Do list in a timeline of deadlines etc so I can tackle things in the right priority today. I make general “to do” lists – but today I’m going to try to prioritize them a bit and create a timeline so I can see if it’s possible to even get it all done in time, and if it’s not? Make the adjustments necessary.

I printed up an email sent to me yesterday by long-time blog friend Robin. (Sidenote: If you ever think about emailing a blogger some encouragement? Do it. I have done it to bloggers I read dozens of times because it means so much when people do it for me.) The note was encouraging and joyful and helped remind me that – even when I feel like a binge-eating mess of anxiety and uselessness – there are still good things I have done and good things I can do. I’m going to hang the email on my fridge, put it in my purse, whatever I need to – to keep it as reminder that I’m not ALWAYS 100% Anxiety wrapped in Crazy wrapped in Stress wrapped in Exhaustion.

I made brownies at 3am. Why? Because part of my cause of anxiety is that I hate Christmas time with kids in school. There are always parents that do BIG things for teachers and even BIG things for classmates (Wes got gift bags yesterday with actual toys in them…they were given to every kid in his class by a parent) and I don’t do either. I mean, I guess we could if we shifted the Christmas budget around – but I really don’t want to do that. It’s not like we’re spending tons on the kids. E wanted two $70 Lady Gaga tickets for Christmas, we had to discuss this in advance because if we couldn’t do that he was going to try to do it with his own money, so we did it. And that’s basically his Christmas right there. It’s not like we have tons of extra to budget for classroom/teacher gifts. AND EVERYONE ELSE DOING SO MUCH MORE STRESSES ME OUT. So! My point? I made brownies. I’m going to give them brownies inside a coffee mug from my own collection (I know. Pitiful.) and I bought a $1 ornament to tie to the handle. I’m also going to send a nice letter, which I hope balances out the cheapness of the gift. But – either way – at least the kids are bringing something so that helps a tad bit with the guilt.

I’m going to honestly block out Facebook today. I work from home and it just stays open on my computer all day. It’s just one of the tabs that’s open and when I need to clear my brain of code/design/web crap I click over and unwind so I can re-focus. Today? I’m not going to do that. There are so many people who I truly like/respect/admire who have been voicing that the agree with Phil and The Bible and that they stand by him and what he believes (That the gay people in my family that I would die for are going to Hell) Edited to add: I wanted to make sure my point is understood, I may not have phrased it well. That is what PHIL believes. Not what CHRISTIANS as a WHOLE believe. There are more pro-marriage equality Christians in my life than not, so I don’t want anyone to ever think I’d clump them into the same group. and it just makes my heart hurt. I want to message them and say, “Hey. Let’s go to dinner some time. Let me tell you about [insert gay friend/family member’s name here, there are plenty] or even better, let me introduce you to [awesome gay people] and then see how you hold to that belief.” Because – in my heart – I believe if they knew our stories, if they looked into the eyes of the people we love and saw how truly beautiful they are – regardless of who they are attracted to – they would change their minds.

BUT – I can’t do that. First of all – I respect the privacy of my gay friends and family too much to use them as my tools. Second? My heartbreak would be unbearable if – even after that – these people I really like still believed these people were going to Hell. I’m just going to close out Facebook for another day and continue to believe their minds would be changed if they knew my family and my friends. So! No Facebook tab! If my brain gets fuzzy I’ll do 5 pushups.

I’m going to stay in my pajamas as long as possible. This has NOTHING to do with productivity and has EVERYTHING to do with comfort. One of the perks of working from home is the uniform and today I’m going to take advantage of that. There’s nothing I love more than my flannel snowflake pants and my fuzzy houseshoes. I’ll be donning that until I’m forced to enter the public for whatever reason. If that doesn’t bring me joy and peace? NOTHING WILL.

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16 Comments

  1. Steph T. says:

    Can I commiserate with you? I’ve been up since 4, doing laundry and repacking. I just got home at 10 PM Wed night from 3.5 weeks working in Germany and in 9.5 hours I’m back on a plane to head home for the holidays. I have two big deadlines and not enough hours. GAH! Then all this Phil stuff makes me want to unfriend everyone on Facebook who posts their support of him. So if it helps…I do feel your pain.

  2. So, you clearly hit a chord with me today. I keep having to delete my comment, because I am basically writing my own blog post in your comments. Lets see if I can do this in a reasonable number of words.

    Point the first. Gah, gift giving to everyone and anyone. We give too many gifts in the US, and then we’re surprised and upset when our kids don’t understand the spirit of Christmas. That’s not to say my 3 year old doesn’t get to be 3, but I am consciously teaching her about giving, caring and the breathless expectation of advent. (We are Christian, so Christmas is about faith as well as family and love.) And in the process hanging on to that myself. We, too, gave her teacher baked goods. I felt great when she proudly handed her teacher the cake and explained that she and Mommy baked it. I’m feeling a bit smug about her wonderful Christmas spirit this year, and I’ll do everything I can to keep that alive. That includes making sure she doesn’t see us handing out gifts to everyone who crosses our path, and that the gift giving she does see is meaningful.

    Point the second. If it helps, there’s a big chunk of the world that is paying no attention to Phil whatsoever. He has not shown up in my Facebook feed even once. And, while my friends lean heavily to the liberal that is not universally true and definitely isn’t true in my family.

  3. Angela (@Aferg22) says:

    Just wanted to pop in and say that I think you are awesome. Thanks to you, I am trying to run more consistently, very excited about the Fitbit I am getting for Christmas, and thinking about starting a bullet journal to get organized. Please don’t pay attention to the rude, mean, small people out there who make themselves feel better by saying terrible things. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas!

  4. Monica says:

    Ugh! The people who give big gifts to every kid in the class give me anxiety, too. I had to learn to try to ignore it when my son was in mother’s morning out. And don’t get me started on those huge treat bags some folks hand out at birthday parties! We just can’t do that and never have.
    Some years, we make a donation to a charity in the teacher’s honor. When I taught, a parent did that for me one year and I loved it. I also loved getting homemade goodies. The good thing about the donation is no one knows how much you have given, and you’ve helped out something you care about at the same time!

  5. Brenda says:

    I would stay in my penguin flannel pjs and fuzzy slippers all day if I could 🙂 Also, I live in New Mexico–did you see what happened in New Mexico?? Yay!! I’ve posted about it on Twitter but tend to not say anything on FB because too much of my family and friends are very conservative.

  6. I enjoy your posts so much and look forward to reading them every day. You have such a joyous heart!! Ignore the haters–can’t believe that Tweet you received. Hope the stress level goes down soon.

  7. Is tha what is wrong with me? I can’t sleep and my memory is shot. Too much I do. In fact, as I lay awake at FIVE AM, I thought, “Hmm, zoot’s awake already and I still can’t freakin sleep.”

  8. Shannon says:

    I know you in real life and I think you are amazing! Anyone who tells anyone to do what that guy tweeted is A Terrible Person, no two ways about it. Stressing out about trying to keep up with all the people who can afford to gift all their children’s classmates at Christmas…ugh. It’s nice that people can do it, but I think it drives a lot of Overdoing It and Consumerism and, worst of all, Competitive Parenting, which I opt out of 100% of the time. I hope that my homemade pumpkin bread and a candle for the teachers along with a genuine and sincere Happy Holidays will mean as much. I think you do such a great job of presenting your whole self on this blog and I truly love that self and wish that I had spent more real life time with you. Never apologize for being you. I think I’ve shared my favorite quote with you before but here it is again. “When you are truly genuine, there will invariably be people who do not accept you. And in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology.” Makes me nod and smile, every time I read it.

  9. Hello

    I’m not going to get on my soapbox just to say, I don’t believe gays are going to hell, I personally would rather put “love your neighbour” up there front and centre. If that means my next door neighbours are a gay couple then I treat them the same as if they were a straight couple or a single Mum (or single dad for that fact). In the ultimate scheme of things (as I believe them) God is the only one with the power to judge. For now as hard as it is some days my job is to be friendly loving and kind to those around me even when they are horrible and mean. Kill with kindness so to speak!

    Anyhoo stepping down and walking away now 🙂

    1. I saw an article recently (yesterday?) comparing Pope Francis to Phil. It said that even though they both might believe the same thing about where a gay person who has gay relations may end up after death (it’s debatable if Pope Francis believes that in his heart) – Pope Francis looks at a gay person as a HUMAN first. He says “Who am I to judge?” anytime someone asks him about it.

      My point? Pope Francis (who I just adore) seems to agree with you. He is not concerned about teaching of dogma and interpretation of scripture in any other way than to be like Jesus and help EVERYONE and judge NO ONE. And I think more leaders like him and believers like you will change the face of Christianity as a whole!

  10. The nice letter is definitely the important part of the teacher gift. I’ve been feeling guilty that I gave my sons teachers store bought cookies in a mug, because I couldn’t get enough time to bake. Sigh.
    Your extra posts this last week have been such a stress reliever for me! I hope they aren’t adding to your stress levels too much.

  11. phancymama says:

    We took my three year old out of preschool this year, and one of the things I am most happy about that is not doing teacher gifts. That might make me a horrible person.
    Also, I have only emailed a blogger once, and I felt stalkery and creepy, so I”m glad to know that isn’t the case.
    And I agree on the whole Duck Dynasty thing.

  12. Beth in IA says:

    First, let me say that I am a faithful reader of your blog and several others. I feel like I should apologize for not posting comments here or anywhere. I often catch up on the weekends so it seems like it’s too late to add to the conversation. That shouldn’t stop me because the opportunity for dialogue with readers seems to be one of the most appealing parts of blogging.

    In this particular case I feel very compelled to say thank you for giving an honest voice to things that are happening right now. Though this may not feel authentic right now, you are an amazing role model for your passions. Human rights and humanity, running, parenting, books and televisions, bullet journaling, living within your means, spirituality – you write about every one of these things in a way that is so open. Without judgment. With excitement wrapped in great humility. With vulnerability and encouragement. I am so grateful that you share.

    I also want to thank you for posting examples of how you are intentionally trying to taking care of yourself and manage your stress right now. Great ideas for all of us and another example of how you rarely vent without also challenging yourself to make it better.

    Finally, one little observation about Phil. He also made startlingly racist comments in the GQ article and I’m a bit surprised more attention isn’t being paid to that. He is what he is and he believes what he does. I’m grateful A&E is no longer providing a platform for him to spread his hateful nonsense.

    PS – I agree with the other commentor that baked goods make great teacher gifts. Your words of appreciate will be the gift that is always remembered!!

  13. Beth in IA says:

    *words of appreciation!

  14. As a teacher, please know that we do not EXPECT gifts; they are a blessing in our lives, but I am floored each year at the number of gifts kids think I need. This year, my favorite gift was a well-worn copy of a student’s favorite book “from my collection, for yours.” I cried. I got a used book, but the thought behind it (like your brownies and letter, mean so much more. The letters get saved, Kim. I have a BOX of notes and letters from parents, students, coworkers, friends, that I pull out regularly when I’m having a hard day in the classroom to keep my heart up. The letter you give will be priceless and kinder to a teacher’s heart than any other gift you could ever give. <3

    1. I have to admit – the letter turned out great. I personalized it and even added some “Just for you” type of humor. I added a note saying that they brownies had zero calories and that if they ate them, it guaranteed a championship win for their favorite football team (it worked out they BOTH like the same team, so the joke worked for both teachers) and both of the kids came home kinda proud because the teachers said something to them about how funny the note was. And they both made comments about eating the brownies before the big game. SO! Instead of my fear of the kids being embarrassed by the lack of real gift, they were proud of having a funny mom 🙂

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